Sleep

Sleep. The enigma of humanity. Why, when, how, what?

Blue light, Melatonin, Valium, Snooze alarms, Naps, Pods, Babies. What is going on?

 

I, for the first 37 years of my life never napped. Even being a messed up rotating shift worker I couldn’t do it. Who were these MF’s that ‘cruise nappedsleep screenon a commute on a train, what is wrong with them? Wrong with me?

Getting to sleep, staying asleep, waking up, being tired. Why is it all such a struggle. Would we be happier if we didn’t need sleep? What would demarcate the beginning and end of the day??

 

Some people don’t need as much sleep, some people more? The quality of sleep, the levels of sleep, dreams. DREAMS!!!

 

What is the function of us putting ourselves into comatose stasis every night for our brain to take a messed up wander and our bodies to rest and cramp and rustle?

Sleep aides. Sleep band aids. Sleep therapy. Sleep sleep sleep.

 

I had a baby, a new born who woke every 1-3 hours for the first YEAR (+) of her life!

WHO AM I? I, who had never napped a moment EVER was snatching 20 mins here and there. Going into REM dreamscapes within seconds of hitting the pillow. When you wake from a dreamscape you can yes, nearly, almost, not, remember your dreams. I was doing it back end.. remembering my dream as it was kicking in!

 

That horrid horrid sickening feeling of waking up sluggish as a mule and slapping your swollen tongue around your dried mouth and trying desperately to think… WHEN IS THIS!!?? Can I see light, can I see some arbitrary time scale? Is this my bed? In what era, when, how? Who dun it? It’s half light.. damn no clue.. one of the early random hours?.. 4,5,6??!! From what end?? What was the function? Waaaahhh!!

 

Middle of the night. BOOM. I might be a bit awake. I am going to deny it. deny deny deny. Bladder – face me now or you shall again! Nooooo.. I can make it, I can make it through.  Please let it be nearly dawn, please let it be nearly dawn… make it a reasonable hour please.. don’t look??.. Noooo. I looked. The time guess waaaay off. 3am NOT reasonable. Don’t let me stay awake. Don’t let me stay awake. What are my problems, what are my lists, what’s going on tomorrow, what do I need to say to do. What should I have said and done. How should’ve that conversation have gone. How should I phrase that conversation. Not enrolling my kids in swimming is my biggest guilt in the world. Dread fear… LIGHT.. bing.. ouch. Fuck that’s a whole new level. Squints.. pen.. get this down. Enrol kids in swimming. What now, what now.. Netflix, that will take my mind off this Bullshit.. bang.. easy.. something easy.. not too hard. Star Trek.. easy, no risks.. one eye open only.. netflix not loading.. Whaaaaaat? Internet on and off, click .. I don’t need this Bullshit, I just need to sleep. Sleep… Whaaaa!!!

 

An hour later. I will NEVER EVER go back to sleep. Water, I need water. I am sufficiently relaxed, but there is only a swig left. That won’t get me through. Panic. Water. Damn.. now to get up and get water. Powering up a whole new level. Water. Throat is dry as.. need warm. Need Camomile. Stagger to the kitchen proper, sterile flourescent lights go Flash flash .. flash flash on. Hate it so much I cover my eyes. Boil the kettle 75%. Bang. Camomile. Bang. Squeal into bed. There is no time like my time the night time. I can do anything. Sip on my tea. Google the best Star trek episodes, happen by ‘My face’ and hotmail. Who, what, how waaaaahh!! I can’t even move for scrolling. What is this BS? Somebody prise this phone from my hand and turn me over. I could meditate. Oh a new Star Trek ep happening. Fresh and .. I will never, ever get back to sleep. Bang

 

 

 

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